Silence
by Sheba-chan
Summary: Power comes with a price. Now that Lina finally has understood, she must decide how to continue. (One-shot)


_**Silence**_

Disclaimer: I do not own Slayers and any of the characters.

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Suicide and character death ahead

Notes: Even if I don't consider myself being a Darkfic writer, I have to try sometimes if my mood doesn't allow me to write parody.

I hope that there aren't all too many typos and grammatical errors in the fanfiction, but since I am from Germany and English is not my native language, I don't know if I managed to find all of them

I also found different versions of the English version of the Dragon Slave chant. I used the one which fitted the most. Sorry if it bothers anyone.

* * *

There had been a time where I did not understand.

I don't know where this eon went to and when it had creeped away.

There had been a time where I wanted it back.

Now I don't.

I do not know if it was Filia or Xellos. Both talked to me, after I had understood. Both showed me the possibilities. Xellos, of all people, talked to me without secrets. Filia did, too.  
  
She was crying.

Maybe that was the point I realised what I had done and what I had to do. I guess they both knew the outcome before I had even thought about it.

"Home", I said and we went there. For the first time, I was without fear.

Luna wasn't at home, I knew she wouldn't be. She knows, too. Nevertheless, I have left her a note, explaining everything.

I have left none for Gourry, Amelia and Zel.  
  
The never knew why I suddenly wanted to go home, but after some time, they stopped asking.

There had been a time they wouldn't have stopped.

Now they did. They don't understand what happened to me anyway.  
  
There had been a time I was without the nightmares.

But when they came, I understood.

I have seen the two red-clad men in so many dreams I can't even remember the ones where they were not there.

Rezo, the first one, always looking at me with sad eyes. Alas, they are still red. He seems tired.

The other one, I never met, maybe because he lived so many years ago. Lei Magnus. His eyes - red as well - hold an unspoken blame. He blames me for repeating his mistake.

He didn't understand, too.

And there is a third one, a _being,_ behind the men.

At first, I tried to find out who was hidden in the shadows of my mind.

Now I do everything to make him stay in the darkness forever.

I understood.

I understood what I had to do. 

Power comes with a price, that I understood when She, Who Created All gave me her power, was my power, was _me_ when Hellmaster was destroyed.

Now I have to pay.

I do not regret, however. I am not the person who can sit down silently if others need help. I needed the power, to destroy the darkness.

If I had only known.

"It is time", Xellos had said. "You can see them. And you know why."  
  
"Yes", I said.

Then he had gone, just to return the next night. 

"You know your choices", he stated. It wasn't a question.  
  
"Yes", I said again.

"Lina", Filia had said, her voice choking.

"I am sorry", I replied.

She had nodded, but I know she'd never blame me.

And I decided to run away.

Now they both walk behind me, for once in silence, without hate.

Xellos, maybe because we have been through a lot of problems together. Maybe because of his amusement. It doesn't matter for him anyway.

He will reach his goal, no matter what I do.

Filia, to bid me goodbye. Maybe to give me a glimpse of hope of what is about to come.

We have travelled for quite a long time now and I finally can hear the sea. I haven't been here since I left my home and I am glad that I can return now.

We walk down to the shore. I take off my shoes. I can feel the sand and finally the salty water of the sea between my toes. Oh, how I missed this!  
  
I watch the moon and the stars for some time. No cloud covers the beautiful heaven and I wonder if the place I'm about to go to holds such beauty. Filia and Xellos remain silent. They allow me to take my time.

Besides the murmur of the waves, no sound is audible. The whole scenery seems unreal.

And for a moment, reality seems to become blurred and allows me to see the two men again.  
  
Rezo, sad and compassionate.

Lei, still blaming me, but now also prideful and approving. 

I don't know if I deserve that.

Lei didn't run and I know he regrets it. He regrets for staying, for valuing his life more than the life of his friends, for having fear in the moment I face now.

And he regrets that he created his doom, my doom, maybe the doom of the world.

Again, I slowly remember the words, the words who were spoken by Lei Magnus the first time so many years ago.

'Darkness beyond twilight,

crimson beyond blood that flows.

Buried in the stream of time is where your power grows...'  
  
I start to tremble, just like the first time I understood.

"In Thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness!"  
  
I whisper the words, I am afraid to speak any louder.

I pledged myself to darkness.

Just like Lei did.

Lei did not run. He stayed, even after he understood that he had given his very own body and soul to the red-eyed Lord.

But the Lord had been in him, allowing no escape. Lei had given himself to Shabranigdo, had seen how the Dark Lord killed humans and dragons alike, those Lei had known as friends.

There is no Dark Lord in my body, but I have given my soul to him. I pledged myself to darkness, again and again, with every Dragon Slave I chanted. 

I gave my soul to darkness and it is only a matter of time until darkness will consume me. Of course, I knew of the power I summoned. But I needed the power to destroy darkness. Now, I only strengthened it.

"Just go on", Xellos had said. "Use your power and continue to destroy Mazoku. No one blames you. Why should we? The time will come and you will be one of us. You are darkness."  
  
That was when I understood that I couldn't keep going on. I am not as strong - or, maybe foolish - as Lei. If I would ever need to see how I become one with Shabranigdo and destroy my friends, it would shatter me to a point of insanity I don't even dare to think about.

So, I stand here.

Because there was the other choice.  
  
The choice, not to wait until Shabranigdo comes forth from the shadows of my dreams.

The choice to end it.

Xellos doesn't care. Why should he? Either I keep going, helping his Lord with every spell or...

...I stop destroying the Mazoku, letting them continue on their evil ways and stopping the Dark Lord from getting my body and soul any longer...

Yes, I am here to die.

Reality comes back and once more, Rezo, Lei and Shabranigdo fade into nothingness.

I turn around to Xellos and Filia.

I never asked who would do it, but as I see Filias tear-stained face, I know that Xellos is the one.

Slowly, I nod.

There is no grin on Xellos' face and no emotion in his eyes as he raises his staff and pierces it through my heart.

Filia doesn't look away and neither do I.

We have both grown strong.

Finally, I dare to look down. Blood is dripping from my chest. I wonder why it doesn't hurt.

I fall down into the shallow water, but I don't care. All my thoughts are gone, I only see, hear and feel.

I feel Filias hand, gripping mine, whispering words I do not understand any longer.

I hear the wind, the waves and a whisper from far away. I do not understand it, either, but I know that I will.

I see the endless summer sky, the stars and the moon.  
  
Slowly, my vision clouds over and somewhere in the distance, I can see Rezo and Lei again. Both look at me one last time, before turning around and slowly walking away to the red-eyed shadow in the distance.

I am happy that I don't have to go with them.

The last thing I know is that I imagine to see my friends again. Zel, Amelia and Gourry.

I am sorry I didn't say goodbye.  
  
I try to raise my hand to wave, but I fail.

And the rest is silence.

END

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Every author loves feedback and reviews. I'd appreciate it if you would spend a few seconds of your time to leave a note with praise or constructive criticism. 

Thank you!

Sheba


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